Heller everyone,
As a child were you ever told, "go to your room, I can't even look at you" when you did something that was upsetting or wrong? How about as an adult, have you told your child/or others around you to stop crying because "boys don't cry","Everything is going to be okay" or because "nothing is wrong/there is nothing to cry about"?
What if I tell you that these are all connected?... Wait...what?
Research shows that most of what we experience as children dictate how we act or feel as adults. What this means is that the child who was sent to his/her room becomes the adult who cannot handle emotional dysregulation in others (feels uncomfortable when people cry or show any emotion besides happy) in front of them. When a child is sent to their room for things like crying, showing anger and/or frustration, acting out, etc., the action of being sent to their room says to them "I am a burden to my parents because I am feeling something I don't totally understand, so I need to learn to hide my feelings better". What about the child who has so many toys (bought by his/her parents, toys of all sorts including electronics) who likes to play with all of the toys in the matter of a few hours in the day, but this makes the parents feel anxious due to the constant changing of task. When this parent makes comments like "there you go, moving from game to game to game again" or "why cant't you just play with one thing" or "why don't you go read a book", this tells the child that they need to go play with one toy, not value all their other toys, and overwhelm themselves with more school work after an 8 hours school day, and seclude himself/herself from the rest of the family to avoid discomfort for the family. This child then becomes the adult that does not communicate when they are being emotionally hurt, when they feel frustrated or overwhelmed with a task, or even when they don't have their buckets full.
Now does this sound like something we want our children to grow up into?...People pleasers, burnout, anxious, depressed, etc.? I don't know about you, but as a Millennial I know what all that feels and looks like and it is NOT FUN to deal with so I do not want my children to grow up into that type of adult.
Don't get me wrong, being empathetic, kind, and helpful is still something I advocate for my children to grow into but NOT at the expense of their own mental well being.
So when we talk about things like sending children to their rooms due to their inability to regulate their emotions, what we really talk about is that fact that WE are uncomfortable with THEIR feelings/emotions and rather not deal with it, and let's face it, who likes to feel uncomfortable?!
IT'S NOT YOU IT'S ME....But I need to do better at working/coping with my own emotions/feelings!
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